"Disappointment Is The Price We Pay For Trying To Control What We Can’t."

In this episode of WORDS MATTER, Deanna Ley, The Catalytic Coach, shares one of the most transformative tools she teaches: The 3 Buckets. Inspired by Doug Lennick’s powerful framework, this life-changing concept helps listeners reclaim their peace, presence, and personal power.

With her original quote - "Disappointment is the price we pay for trying to control what we can't." - Deanna breaks down how we lose ourselves trying to carry what was never ours to hold. She unpacks each bucket—what we can control, what we can influence, and what’s completely out of our hands—and how staying aligned with our own bucket is the key to emotional freedom.

What Listeners Will Learn:
• What The 3 Buckets are and why they matter
• How to identify which bucket you’re in at any moment
• Why trying to control the uncontrollable leads to disappointment
• How to hold your Bucket One and protect your peace
• How perfectionism, people-pleasing, and over-functioning steal your power
• How to implement this tool in real-time situations

Memorable Quotes:
• "Disappointment is the price we pay for trying to control what we can't." — Deanna Ley
• "You don’t need to hold the world, friends. You just need to hold your own bucket."
• "You give up control over what’s yours every time you try to control what’s not."
• "Bucket Three is where our peace goes to die."
• "You can't hold your own power and chase control at the same time."
• "That’s what disappointment really is. It’s the bill that shows up after we’ve emotionally invested in an outcome we never had the power to guarantee."
• "Because when we try to control the uncontrollables, we don't just lose peace. We lose presence. We lose clarity. We lose our power. We lose who we are."

This episode calls listeners to stop chasing control and start living from their place of power. Because the only bucket you're responsible for is your own—and holding it well can change everything.

Your WORDS MATTER, because YOU MATTER.

Want to go deeper into the original source of this concept? Listen to Doug Lennick’s episode on The Three Bucket Theory at https://www.think2perform.com/the-three-bucket-theory/

Transcript

Well, hello, friends! Welcome back to another powerful episode of WORDS MATTER. This episode – and the words in it – are some of the most important we've explored yet. And I don't say that lightly. Because today's quote will take us into a conversation that – when understood and implemented – has the power to completely shift how you experience your day, your relationships, your peace, and your personal power.

This quote – these words – are my words, birthed from the real pain of my own struggles in my own life. They're matter-licious words that have sparked real change and ignited lasting transformation.

"Disappointment is the price we pay for trying to control what we can't."

Let that settle in deep into your soul for a second.

Now this isn't just some catchy quote I came up with. It's a deep, hard-earned truth that came from years of living in chaos, drowning in overwhelm, being paralyzed by perfectionism, and losing myself over and over and over again by placing my worth, my joy, my energy, and my identity in things I never had control over to begin with.

This quote was born from the wisdom of a framework that has changed my life – one that my husband learned decades ago, one that I now teach to every single one of my CORE4 Community members. And one that I've had the privilege of watching transform lives in real time.

It's called The 3 Buckets, and it comes from a man named Doug Lennick.

Doug Lennick is a world-renowned expert in leadership, emotional intelligence, and behavioral finance. He's the CEO and co-founder of Think2Perform, and he's spent decades helping leaders align their actions with their values to make better decisions under pressure. I'm actually going to link one of his podcasts from February 2020 in the show notes because his wisdom deserves to be heard in his own voice, too.

But what I get to do today is share with you not just what The 3 Buckets are, but how to live them. Not just as a theory, but as a daily tool, a lens, a compass for your life. Something that you carry with you in your heart, your hands, and in all of your habits.

So here we go.

Imagine for a moment that you have three buckets. One bucket is small. It fits in the palm of your hand. It's labeled with your name. It's yours completely and fully. You get to carry it with you wherever you go.

It represents everything that is 100% within your control – your actions, your attitude, your effort, your boundaries, your reactions, your choices, your voice, your energy, your schedule, your beliefs, your values, how you treat others and your thoughts with one caveat.

While we can't control the first thought we have, we can 100% control the thoughts and the actions that come after it.

Now your Bucket One is your ability to take a breath before responding, to choose the words you speak even in tough conversations, to hold a boundary even when it's uncomfortable, to protect your peace even when chaos is knocking, to honor your values even when no one's watching, and to decide how you show up regardless of who else is in the room.

You don't need to hold the world, friends. You just need to hold your own bucket. And in doing so, you hold your peace and your power.

Now Bucket Two, it's a bit bigger. Liken it to one of those orange five-gallon Home Depot buckets. It represents what you might be able to influence – not control, but influence.

And that influence depends on a couple things – your credibility, your relationship, your consistency, your trustworthiness.

You might influence your coworkers if you consistently show up with integrity. You might influence your teenager if they know you're listening without judgment. You might influence your team if your leadership aligns with your values.

Now this bucket represents the people and the situations you pour into, but who ultimately still have the ability to choose for themselves.

And often Bucket Two, it pours right into Bucket Three. Because no matter how persuasive, how consistent, how well-meaning you are, other people still get to choose for themselves.

Which brings us to Bucket Three. Now it's massive. Think of it as a giant industrial-sized container you could actually fit yourself into and still have room left over. And honestly, that's exactly what most of us do. We climb in. We live there. We spiral there.

Bucket Three represents everything you cannot control. Have no control over – the weather, the traffic, someone else's attitude, someone else's opinion, how someone responds to your text, whether or not they show up, the promotion you didn't get, the childhood you had, the diagnosis you weren't expecting, the story they're telling about you, the apology you still haven't received, the way someone else heals or doesn't, the algorithm, the rules, the news, the world.

You can care deeply. You can show up fully. You can pour love, time, effort, and intention into something or someone.

But if it lives in Bucket Three and you make it yours anyway, then you've set your own Bucket One down.

And here's the thing: You can't carry both.
 You give up control over what's yours every time you try to control what's not.

Bucket Three is where our peace goes to die. Because every time we step into Bucket Three, we've done something critical. We've set our own Bucket One down. You can't hold your own power and chase control at the same time.

You can't protect your peace and try to manage someone else's behavior. You cannot live fully rooted in your own identity while trying to manipulate or micromanage someone else's.

And yet we all try.

We insert ourselves into arguments on the internet. We spiral over things we can't change. We carry the emotional weight of people who didn't ask us to. We over-function in relationships, workplaces, and family dynamics trying to fix or save or be everything to everyone.

And we lose ourselves in the process.

But here's the beauty: Awareness is the game-changer. Because once you know which bucket you're in, you can choose to step out. You can choose to stop giving your power away. You can choose to pick up your own bucket and live from that place instead.

So let's talk for a second about how this plays out in real life.

You're running late. Traffic is at a standstill. You start yelling, spiraling, blaming. That's Bucket Three. You're in Bucket Three. But if you pause, breathe and say, "Okay. I can't change the traffic, but I can 100% control how I respond to it." You moved out of Bucket Three and picked your Bucket One back up.

Or maybe someone didn't respond to your text or they've said something that hurt you or they didn't meet an expectation you never spoke aloud. You feel disappointed, frustrated, unseen. Pause. Ask, "Was I expecting them to act in a certain way? Am I assigning meaning to something that's not mine to control?"

If the answer is yes, then you're in Bucket Three. And every time you live there, disappointment is the price you pay.

Because that's what disappointment really is. It's the bill that shows up after we've emotionally invested in an outcome we never had the power to guarantee. We placed our peace in someone else's hands. We pinned our worth on someone else's response. We made our joy dependent on something or someone we couldn't control. And when it didn't go the way we had hoped, disappointment cashed the check.

Because when we try to control the uncontrollables, we don't just lose peace. We lose presence. We lose clarity. We lose our power. We lose who we are.

Let's take it deeper.

Sometimes Bucket Two – our area of influence – it tricks us. We think we can control it. We think we have enough credibility to change the person, sway the outcome, or fix the situation. And sometimes we can.

But more often than not, that influence pours straight into Bucket Three, because people get to choose.

The person you mentored might ignore your advice. That friend you're guiding might make the same mistake again. That client you poured into might ghost you – disappear – or not follow through.

And when they do, that's not about you. That's not your failure. That's not your responsibility.

What's yours is how you show up, how you lead, how you love, how you communicate. That's your Bucket One. So protect it.

And don't just protect your Bucket One from the things you try to control. Protect it from the people who try to control you.

And let's go there for a moment, shall we?

Because just like you don't belong in anyone else's bucket, no one else belongs in yours.

Your thoughts, yours. Your boundaries, yours. Your joy, yours. Your healing, yours. Your next step, yours.

People may try to challenge your decisions, criticize your healing, mock your dreams, or guilt you into shrinking back.

Don't let them.

When someone else inserts themselves into your Bucket One, remind yourself that their reaction is not your responsibility and you don't need permission to own your life, your values, or your peace.

And here's the final layer I want to give you today: You won't ever be perfect with this, friends, and you're not supposed to be. Different situations will test you. Different people will pull on your heart. You'll want to climb into Bucket Three from time to time, and sometimes you will.

But the point isn't to perfect the buckets.

The point is to become hyperaware of them – to enmesh them in all you do and all you are, to pause, recognize and reassign what isn't yours – so it doesn't steal your joy, dictate your mood, or determine your day.

Because awareness is power, but implementation is freedom.

And I'm sure you've heard something like this concept before, because the truth is the idea of focusing on what we can and can't control, it's not new.

But this, this way – Doug Lennick's way – of packaging it into something so visual, so practical, so easy to understand and actually implement… that's what makes The 3 Buckets so powerful.

And that's why we're talking about it here, because this isn't just a listening podcast. It's an implementing podcast – a doing podcast. A living podcast. And The 3 Buckets, when lived – not just learned – they change everything.

We become hyperaware of what bucket we're in when we build the muscle to pause and shift back into holding our Bucket One. When we choose to protect our own peace instead of control someone else's, that's when this becomes more than just a concept.

It's when it becomes who we are.

So Mr. Lennick, if you ever hear this or see this… thank you. Honestly – from the bottom of my heart – I am so grateful, because this tool, this framework, this perspective, it has changed my life for the better. And I've watched it change the lives of countless others that I've had the honor of coaching, guiding, or just sitting beside when I share it in conversation.

Thank you for gifting The 3 Buckets to this world. I'm forever grateful.

Friends, the words we see and read, the words we hear, the words we say to ourselves and about ourselves – about what we're doing and how we're doing it – they all matter.

Your WORDS MATTER, because YOU MATTER.

Have a great day.